Baby Brother

“Baby brother”
April 1967: My mom went into hospital to have a baby. I already had 2 younger brothers and 2 older male cousins next door; it was time for a sister. However, when my mom phoned from the hospital, I was told that I had another baby brother instead.

“No Fair”
“A brother? Noooo, it just isn’t fair,” I said. I felt that the doctors had to change him for a girl, or why couldn’t the stork bring me a sister rather? (In those days we were told that the stork brought babies)

​I was adamant that there were enough boys in the family already. I was the only girl and it just wasn’t fair. I don’t think she knew how to answer me because I just wasn’t calming down. Soon after, dad went to fetch her, and they came home with the new bundle of joy. I soon grew to love the new arrival, and I would even help mom with him. However, I still wanted a sister.

“Baby cousin”
The following year my aunt next door gave birth to a little girl, finally there was another girl in the family. I spent as much time as I could by their house. If I couldn’t have a baby sister, then a cousin had to be the next best thing. Despite my sentiments towards my baby brother when he was a child, I rely on him a lot today. He helps me with repairs around the house and he is also generous with his time. (He is quite handy like my dad was, and like my other 2 brothers are, but unfortunately my husband is not). As for my cousin, she now lives in Sicily with her family. In short, I love my baby brother and I would not trade him for the world.

 

by Grazia Martienssen

Relationships Defined By Bipolar by Debbie Jordaan

A warm welcome to our regular readers and hello to our new readers. Hope the articles on the site inspire and motivate you. This month I’d like to talk about how my bipolar has affected my personal relationships in my life and my journey to a functional relationship at my ripe old age of 47.

I’ve had bipolar since a child but never realised that till I got into adulthood. My relationship with my mom was difficult but all she tried to do was show me that I was not to settle for less. My ex husband was my way out when I was younger to get away from my mom but of course getting divorced proved that it was not my best plan – I at least got to become a mom myself. Never regretted my daughters.

As I went through my life I met some men that verbally abused me, messed me up even more than I already was. The only best friend I had was my best friend I had known since I was five years old. He was married at the time so we did’nt try any relationship. He separated from he’s wife so we thought we would give being a couple a chance. We got it right for three years till I started freaking out and having bad bipolar episodes. I was in a downward spiral and he could’nt deal with it. He found someone to talk to and who was he’s comfort zone in he’s chaos with me.

I can’t blame only him for our downfall and him having an affair with the lady. It eventually ended up that we just let go and parted. Took me a while to get over as he was my dream man even when I was married he was always the one that got away. My expectations were obviously far fetched regarding him Id say. Lesson learnt there – best friends aren’t always destined to be lovers or to be married.

​I always sent out into the universe that I would like to meet someone older than myself and an intelligent person. Intelligence is more appealing to me than a muscular body. Looks can’t keep your mind captivated. The universe answered me a few years ago. I met a wonderful man. Intelligent, wise and very understanding. He is well read and keeps me captivated every time he speaks, the rest definitely followed at a slow pace. This time I tried to get it right. He gets my bipolar – he understands my psychological mind and always has good advice which I follow often. We have our moments but we are a couple in the process of discovering each other’s ways and quirks.

Thank you for giving me the chance to tell you about my life. Be blessed by the universe and may other nature take care of you.

The Tension Between Inner Self and Outer Self – by Karin Kelly Lawrenz, Transformation Coach

The tension between the inner self and outer self is common in the modern world. Each of us is tugged in multiple directions every day and our actions and behaviours do not always align with our core values as a result.

However, becoming aware of your inner self and how it balances with your outer self is the foundation for good mental, physical, and spiritual health.

This is why it is an important aspect to consider when working on good balance in your life.

The Outer Self
At times it is helpful to present a different outer self to the world than what we experience on the inside. Most of us weigh the pros and cons of sharing our true feelings depending on what we expect in each set of circumstances. Our outer self is what we present to the world, and we usually try to curate it to reflect the best. However, problems arise when this becomes a habitual pattern at the expense of your true feelings.

The outer self is generally concerned with material things, such as how you present yourself (hair, clothes, etc.), as well as groups you belong to or personas that you portray. Your outer self spends its time coping with the demands of school, work, home life, and whatever other real-world distractions you experience each day. This external world can be demanding, leaving little time for you to consider whether what is taking place on the outside of your life matches what you ultimately desire on the inside.

The Inner Self
In contrast to the outer self, the inner self is about what can’t be seen: feelings, intuition, values, beliefs, personality, thoughts, emotions, fantasies, spirituality, desire, and purpose. A strong inner self means that you cope well with your emotions, are self-aware, have clarity and a good sense of your values, and feel a purpose in life.

It also means that you are able to remain calm and resilient in the face of adversity from the outer world.

Conflict Between Inner and Outer Self
Problems begin when the inner self and outer self are in conflict or out of balance. In its simplest terms, a conflict between the inner and outer self refers to a mismatch: you think one thing but do another.

The greater the conflict, the wider the difference between what the inner self believes is right and what the outer self does. This conflict ultimately causes stress that can be damaging to the mind, body, and spirit.

Often, this conflict arises due to spending too little time considering your inner self. How much of the time are you “running on empty,” just struggling to get through the demands of the day, without considering whether your actions and behaviours are in line with your inner self?

Conflict between the two selves can result in stress, which makes you more vulnerable to illness. Your daily functioning may also be affected. You may feel successful on the outside but empty on the inside. When this happens, you may also be at risk for quick fixes to heal your pain, such as turning to drugs or alcohol.

One way to identify if you are experiencing a conflict between your inner and outer selves is to identify gaps between your true values and outer actions.
Take a moment and list your core values. These might be things like believing in the value of honesty, integrity, friendship, helpfulness, etc.
Now, for each value, make a list of activities that you do each day that is in alignment with that value. Examples might include calling friends to see how they are doing or telling the truth even when it is difficult.
Finally, look for values that have little actions each day to support them. This is where you will find your conflict. If you value friendship but spend each day alone, that reflects a conflict between your values (inner self) and actions (outer self).

Balancing the Inner and Outer Self
Once you’ve identified problematic areas in your life, it is time to begin quieting your outer self with a goal of connecting with your inner self. Slow down, focus on the moment, and listen to your thoughts as you go about your day.

If you still feel in conflict, consider whether you might need to make life changes to address these issues. Perhaps a new job, change of relationship, or ending of friendships might be in order. Only you will know what specific changes might help to align you with your true inner self.

While thinking about what changes you need to make, it may be helpful to ask yourself the following questions:
What do you most want to pursue in life? Does this match what you are doing?
Will you feel good about the choices you are making at the end of your life?
Does your current life require you to stifle deeply held values?

Go back to the gaps that you identified in the previous section, and start with the largest ones. Ask yourself what changes you will need to make to align your inner and outer selves.

For example, one person might choose to change careers or reduce working hours to spend more time with family. Another person might change his or her field of work to more closely align with his or her values.

You might find that only simple changes need to be made, such as slowing down each day and taking the time to talk and listen to others, rather than always being in a rush. Sometimes the conflict between our inner and outer selves is not that large and doesn’t take that much to address.

However, becoming aware of your inner self and how it balances with your outer self is the foundation for good mental, physical, and spiritual health.

This is why it is an important aspect to consider when working on good balance in your life.

The Outer Self
At times it is helpful to present a different outer self to the world than what we experience on the inside. Most of us weigh the pros and cons of sharing our true feelings depending on what we expect in each set of circumstances. Our outer self is what we present to the world, and we usually try to curate it to reflect the best. However, problems arise when this becomes a habitual pattern at the expense of your true feelings.

The outer self is generally concerned with material things, such as how you present yourself (hair, clothes, etc.), as well as groups you belong to or personas that you portray. Your outer self spends its time coping with the demands of school, work, home life, and whatever other real-world distractions you experience each day. This external world can be demanding, leaving little time for you to consider whether what is taking place on the outside of your life matches what you ultimately desire on the inside.

The Inner Self
In contrast to the outer self, the inner self is about what can’t be seen: feelings, intuition, values, beliefs, personality, thoughts, emotions, fantasies, spirituality, desire, and purpose. A strong inner self means that you cope well with your emotions, are self-aware, have clarity and a good sense of your values, and feel a purpose in life.

It also means that you are able to remain calm and resilient in the face of adversity from the outer world.

Conflict Between Inner and Outer Self
Problems begin when the inner self and outer self are in conflict or out of balance. In its simplest terms, a conflict between the inner and outer self refers to a mismatch: you think one thing but do another.

The greater the conflict, the wider the difference between what the inner self believes is right and what the outer self does. This conflict ultimately causes stress that can be damaging to the mind, body, and spirit.

Often, this conflict arises due to spending too little time considering your inner self. How much of the time are you “running on empty,” just struggling to get through the demands of the day, without considering whether your actions and behaviours are in line with your inner self?

Conflict between the two selves can result in stress, which makes you more vulnerable to illness. Your daily functioning may also be affected. You may feel successful on the outside but empty on the inside. When this happens, you may also be at risk for quick fixes to heal your pain, such as turning to drugs or alcohol.

One way to identify if you are experiencing a conflict between your inner and outer selves is to identify gaps between your true values and outer actions.

1. Take a moment and list your core values. These might be things like believing in the value of honesty, integrity, friendship, helpfulness, etc.
2. Now, for each value, make a list of activities that you do each day that is in alignment with that value. Examples might include calling friends to see how they are doing or telling the truth even when it is difficult.
3. Finally, look for values that have little actions each day to support them. This is where you will find your conflict. If you value friendship but spend each day alone, that reflects a conflict between your values (inner self) and actions (outer self).

Balancing the Inner and Outer Self
Once you’ve identified problematic areas in your life, it is time to begin quieting your outer self with a goal of connecting with your inner self. Slow down, focus on the moment, and listen to your thoughts as you go about your day.

If you still feel in conflict, consider whether you might need to make life changes to address these issues. Perhaps a new job, change of relationship, or ending of friendships might be in order. Only you will know what specific changes might help to align you with your true inner self.

While thinking about what changes you need to make, it may be helpful to ask yourself the following questions:

• What do you most want to pursue in life?
• Does this match what you are doing?
• Will you feel good about the choices you are making at the end of your life?
• Does your current life require you to stifle deeply held values?

Go back to the gaps that you identified in the previous section, and start with the largest ones. Ask yourself what changes you will need to make to align your inner and outer selves.

For example, one person might choose to change careers or reduce working hours to spend more time with family. Another person might change his or her field of work to more closely align with his or her values.

You might find that only simple changes need to be made, such as slowing down each day and taking the time to talk and listen to others, rather than always being in a rush. Sometimes the conflict between our inner and outer selves is not that large and doesn’t take that much to address.

My Doll

“My Doll”
We emigrated from Sicily in 1964, when I was 5 years old. After school I went back for 2 years, and my favourite great-aunt or “pro-zia” as we say in Italian, had a doll on the couch, nothing special just a toy. She told me that I had left it behind, and she’d kept it as a souvenir and given it my name -Grazia. Years later she died not having had any children.

“Inheritance”
One of my cousins inherited the house. Years later my nephew from Australia went to Italy, he visited the house with the intention of purchasing it to keep it in the family. He sent me photos and I asked if there was a doll, he said ‘’yes, but it was mouldy, dirty, naked and missing one leg’’. Nobody knew anything about it, so I told him the story. My cousin, who inherited the house decided to look for the leg, which she found.

My 93-year-old aunt in Sicily, which is my dad’s sister who moved to South Africa before us, made it her mission to fix, clean and clothe the doll in order to reunite it with me after all this time. Being a sentimental person with a heart of gold, she stopped at nothing less than making sure the leg functioned again like it did when I was a child. With the ordeal of the leg out the way, she even went as far as knitting an outfit for the doll. The doll is now ready to go and is awaiting my nephew’s next visit to Italy for it to be shipped back to me.

​“Can’t go now”
Unfortunately, though, due to the current world-wide crisis that COVID-19 is causing, I may have to wait a while longer to see the doll in person again. The doll is waiting, and hopefully after everything settles, he’ll be able to go again, and my aunt will have the satisfaction of knowing I have received it. I would have totally understood if they had thrown it away, after all, it is just a toy…..expect for the sentimental value they attached to it, which makes me feel loved and special.

In short, this story proves that objects can be lost or misplaced, and memories can gradually grow faint, but sentimental value itself is timeless, and it has the ability to create comfort when least expected. The “doll”, well Grazia ‘’Junior’’ lives on.

Thanks for reading

Grazia ‘’Senior’’

We Have Lockdown. So? by Elsabe Smit

Millions of people all over the globe are house-bound and only allowed to go out for essential trips. Of course, I could write a book about the reasons for this, and whether the lockdown is justified or not. However, it is what is.

The more important question is what to do about it.

In a way this is better than experiencing a full moon. An adult body consists of around 60% water. If you know what the moon can do to the ocean in terms of tides, imagine what the moon does with the water in your body during full moon! When this happens, many people feel as if they are being attacked by an invisible power, and they “fight back” with anger and aggression.

With the lockdown, we cognitively understand what is happening. However, many people still struggle with fear and anxiety, and if they don’t get help, they feel overwhelmed very quickly.

What can you do about it?

Firstly, go inside – no, not inside your house, because you should already be inside the house unless you have a garden to enjoy. I mean meditate. Just experience the silence in and around you, with no expectations.

This is a time where you can assess your faith. There is this silly belief that spiritual people who don’t go to church or follow organised religion also don’t believe in God – or whatever you choose to call this higher power. We know that is not true. We do believe in a Higher Power, and we know better than to blame this Higher Power for a man-made situation. If you have any doubts, you can fall into the trap of doubting or blaming yourself for not believing “enough”, or you can do something far more constructive: put your doubts into words, and find the reason for the doubts, and deal with them. There are always people who are willing to be used as a sounding board, and who can help you strengthen your faith.

One of the big issues for many people is the fear of dying. A truly spiritual understanding is that life and death cannot be separated, and that dying is really like changing into invisible clothes. You never cease to exist. If it is your time based on your life script, then that is how it is. Do you really want to leave this world in fear? Not me, thanks.

The second thing you can do is assess what is happening in the world. You can focus on the fearmongering and misinformation in social media, but I for one do my best to avoid that like the plague. I choose to delete anything that remotely looks like chainmail or that is meant to instil fear, and rather focus on all the good that is already happening in the world. Fear lowers your body vibration and compromises your immune system, whereas gratitude has the opposite effect.

Find the opposite of anything that you feel instils fear in you and find the gratitude for a unique experience. You will say this is easier said than done, but I have read about a way to do this that is so simple and powerful that it is mind-blowing.

When the emotions overwhelm you and you feel that there is no way out, ask yourself a simple question: “So?” and see what happens.

For example, a client told me she is in a total panic about her aged mother’s health and immune system. I asked “So?” and the client said: “she is in lock-down in a nursing home”. I asked “So?” and the client said: “Nobody can get to her – not even me”. I asked “So?” and the client said “That means her chances of getting infected are miniscule”.

The exchange may sound simple, but you should have seen the effect on the client. Suddenly she radiated and her whole demeanour changed. She smiled broadly and I could feel only relief from her.

When you feel overwhelmed, use this simple word and ask yourself “So?” and see and feel what happens to you. When someone else radiates fear to you, ask the same question, and ask it until you see the change in the person.

One simple word can help us through this wonderful opportunity to turn the world around, and it can start with one person at a time.

So?

Afraid? Remember the Law of Attraction by Elsabe Smit

We live in times of change on a scale that few of us can imagine. We know where we come from, but in a very short time the world has changed, and it will never return to what it was.

Whose fault is it? Depends on which social media you allow into your consciousness. Did the virus originate from an animal in a dirty Chinese market? Or was it planted in the market – or even in a few places – by the US government? Does the virus follow the footprint of 5G? Is it in fact not a virus, but rather your body’s reaction to 5G radiation?

And I am sure you can add to the list.

My question is: What can you do about any of those possible causes?

And the answer is simple: Nothing.

Does that leave you powerless?

On the contrary. It leaves every single one of us in a position of power that is mind-blowing.
​
Have you noticed that? Or are you inadvertently adding to fearmongering by spreading anything that relates to the situation, whether it is true or relevant or appropriate or not? If you are too quick on the Send or Forward button, here is a suggestion. You could spend time on doing your research on the internet and getting facts. Or even better, get off the internet as far as you can, and claim your power.

What does that mean: claim your power?

Remember how the Law of Attraction became everyone’s bible a few years ago? Even today there are still prophets around who sell expensive courses so that you can get rich/find the perfect partner/find your soulmate/do anything your heart desires overnight by just following what the course tells you – once you have made the financial dreams of the course creator come true.
Here is a but of truth that I will give you for free: The Law of Attraction works – but only together with a lot of elbow grease and focus.

There is a simple mantra that encompasses the Law of Attraction: What you think about and thank about, you bring about. It is that simple.

Think about what you want – and do it in detail and with an action plan. Say thank you and feel the gratitude for what you are about to receive. Then see how it materialises based on your action. Try it – dream your dreams, and then do what is needed to make those dreams reality. The more you do that, the more the Universe adds to the scale of your dreams, and the more materialises for you.
What does that have to do with the pandemic?

What are you thinking about? What do you allow to fill your mind? What do you focus on? That is what you bring about.
And the only way to get the future we all want, is to focus on that future rather than on the myriad of distractions that the media feed us.

I run a WhatsApp group that is meant to focus on gratitude and give people hope. I want everyone to focus on the purpose of the group. You have no idea how I have my hands full sending fear and fearful posts and fearful attitudes away from the group – I spend a lot of time explaining what the group is about, and next another post jumps out (just like a virus) and I have to start again.
And no, I am not like an ostrich with my head in the sand. My view is that there are hundreds of groups and sites where there is a place for everything related to the pandemic, but my group is there to provide balance, by focusing on the amazing new world that is unfolding right under our noses.

What you think about and thank about, you bring about.

I choose to think about spiritual awakening, recognising the truth, and spreading Unconditional Love. That is the Law of Attraction in action.

What is your version of the Law of Attraction? What do you think about and thank about?
​

Creating Gratitude by Elsabe Smit

Is it possible to create gratitude rather than just feel it momentarily? Yes, it is. Let me explain.

The Universe is in complete balance – from the largest global pandemic to the smallest sub-atomic particle. That is how everything was created. We tend to forget about this incredibly beautiful balance when we get stuck in emotions.

There is a difference between emotions and feelings. Did you know there are over 3000 words in the English language that describe emotions? Emotions are energy in motion, and they get us into trouble all the time because when we have emotions, we have knee-jerk reactions.

Try this. Express anger as you read this. It doesn’t matter what you are angry at. Just express anger. Notice how your body and your face instinctively know what to do. You know exactly which of the muscles in your face to use, and how to use them, so that nobody will be in any doubt that you are angry. See what happens to your breathing and your body. Your body knows the difference between angry and happy and will follow your command.

You can do the same for any other emotion, such as sad, excited, lonely and so on.

All those are emotions. Then what is a feeling? Think back to the most amazing time in your life. Was it your first kiss? Or the first time you held your child in your arms? Wat is when you got married? You know when what you felt was beyond words.

Now tell your body to go back to that moment and express that moment in your face, breathing and muscles. Not that easy, huh? In fact, I would be surprised if you can mimic even 1% of what you felt at that moment. Describing it as “happy” would be like describing the ocean as “wet” – it just wouldn’t work. Those are moments that you cannot express in words, and your body cannot enter that state on command. Those are feelings. They lasted anywhere from a few minutes to maybe a week – where you felt that you were walking on clouds and it was out of this world. You experienced heaven.

You need to grasp this before you can understand how to work towards creating gratitude.

Gratitude is not just another emotion on the list. Gratitude is a process that happens in your body, and when you have experienced gratitude, you cannot go back to any other past state of mind or body.

​Now is a wonderful time to practice working on gratitude. Identify the one issue or experience around you right now that causes you the most emotional discomfort whether it is fear, anxiety, depression or whatever you are feeling but don’t want to feel. Experience that feeling in every cell of your body. Write down something that is bad or intolerable in the situation. For example, you cannot shake hands with people. Then find the opposite of that experience that you can observe – if not in yourself, then in other people. For example, whenever you cannot shake hands, you find yourself looking the person in the eyes, and you suddenly realise how much you have not observed before in other people.

It is important to take one item at a time – in other words, don’t rush down a list of negatives, and then go back to the first one and try to think of a positive to counterbalance it. You take one item at a time and find the balance.

Then you observe the magic that happens in you as you go through the exercise. One thing is that you break down your fears as you built them up – one brick at a time.

The second thing is that the more you do this, the more you find balance in every cell of your body – even if you think you only apply your mind while doing the exercise. There will come a moment when you reach the end of the exercise – not when you decide you have had enough, but when you feel the effect in your body. It is difficult to put into words but think of a magic explosion of light in every cell of your body. Suddenly you get that floating feeling, and you have complete perspective on the situation – more than ever before – and not a shred of the original emotion remains.

The physical effect is that a quantum of light is created in every cell of your body. As a result, your body vibration goes up – and that is permanent – it never goes down to a previous level again.

So yes, you can create gratitude, but gratitude is not just another emotion – it is a feeling that you can work towards, until you feel it.

Will this gratitude last? Yes – for anything from a few minutes to a week. And then you start again – because you are still in this life, and that is how life works. However, every time you do this, it becomes easier, it expands your consciousness, and your body vibration increases. Is that something you can look forward to and work towards?

Work

I have often read of inspiration as a nagging persistent presence lingering, even haunting, scarcely contained below consciousness. Able to pause and hold its breath yet equally inclined to rupture the conscious bubble containing it, spilling out in messy, colourful, incoherent and often insomnia-induced fragments of data. Knowledge that fades as the morning sun renders our dreamlike state inappropriate and we are left with scraps, like torn out images from a magazine, plucked, stuck and shut away, memories to unpack another day.

Every now and then, a word, a remnant of inspiration, refuses to be plucked, stuck and shut away. It signs its mark across every surface, inside every thought and demands attention. Recently I have been plagued by the word WORK. Not the cost of living, metered monetary worth that consents our way of life – work, but the soul inspiring, light and life giving work that serves our true purpose. Make no mistake it is there, in everything we do, and maybe it is just me that is waking to its presence, but just maybe the reason it has been persistently knocking on my door is because I needed to voice it, put it down in writing and share it – because maybe it’s a message that is not meant to be hoarded but one to be celebrated.
Don’t get me wrong, I love my work – the one that pays the bills, admittedly it is not my childhood dream of painstakingly sending brushstrokes across a dusty strata to reveal fragments of bone, artefact, remnant of the past, unravelling history one layer at a time. The irony of that dream does not escape me within this story, because this word – WORK – has made it clear that in reality we are all archaeologists excavating our own true purpose, so while I may not be living my dream, my work does allow me plenty of opportunities to excavate my purpose.

​I used to think that products of industry, the something we have to show at the end of the day are the things by which we measure a good days work, but as I am learning (or is it unlearning and revealing?) it is in fact the work we do on ourselves, for our best purpose – that is THE most important, if not only work that is worth doing. And slowly that word – WORK – has been morphed (because words are magic, that’s why it’s called spelling) into magic – because that is what it is.

Our most important work should be weaving threads of inherent knowledge, recognising, acknowledging, embracing, letting go, rethreading and rebuilding. It is the stretching of our self-perception beyond obstructions of fear to finding the truth of who we are and what we are capable of so that we can reconnect. Perhaps it is because I have become aware of this within myself that I am finding it so apparent everywhere else and why I am compelled to remind whoever will hear it to become aware of it within you.

We live in a season of hurried existence, stumbling over each other. We seem to have forgotten a great many things, not the least of which is our human experience. In a world that thrives on deadlines, profits, balances and checks, the most important check-in we need is with ourselves – in our energy, our breath and the realities we create for ourselves and those closest to us with our words and actions. This is where the work becomes magic, because we have the power to react differently, to be more mindful of the realities we create, to know that this is the work we should be focussing our energies on, because in doing so we naturally remind ourselves of the world we want to live in.

If it resonates with you – it is time to stop judging your worth by the results of your industry. Recognise that the real produce of your work is the light you brought to someone else when you offered a smile. It is the connection you felt when you freed yourself from a recurring negative pattern. It is the inner work we do, in the quiet between moments where definitive results resonate loudest.

Vanessa Anderson

Motherhood and Letting Go by Debbie Jordaan

Hello everyone and welcome to the new readers to this wonderful site. This month the Universe tested me to the extreme and beyond – As a mother, Partner and Human being. With all that is happening to our planet right now I’m hoping my article can take you away from your own thoughts for a while.

Being a mom of two girls is sometimes trying as I worry about them constantly though they are adults and living their lives. As a mother you get intertwined in their lives and sometimes forget that you once were young and also didn’t take your moms advice.

My one daughter is diabetic and many more complications – mommy of two beautiful souls – my two grandsons. She is the best mommy she can be in her health situation – though her extended family make her life hell and as it’s her husband’s family I can’t really intervene and defend my daughter as she tells me she will sort them out. So all I can do is be there for her in an unbiased way to prevent any further problems.

My other daughter is a career driven young lady and is going through some soul searching. I really like her partner – as she is my child and all I can do is love her and listen to her no matter where the road takes her. My wish for her is that she achieves the best she can be and strive for happiness. She is elusive and chooses not to share her trials in life. The only time she shares anything with me is if she has already decided what to do. Her happiness is all that matters to me.

​Sometimes being a partner is difficult as he is needy and I’m so used to being left to my own choices and devices. Needy in a good way and I still get the freedom I need and time to give to others that also need me. He accommodates my religious beliefs and my bipolar without judgement.

My bipolar has had a field day this month as well so at any given time when I feel like doing anything I’m happy and content even if it is for a short while. I have to be strong as no one else is going to do it for me. We are in control of our own emotions and avoid people that make us feel like we are worth less than how we should be feeling. So letting go of toxic people is the best strategy for anyone.

The universe has tested me for a reason and no matter what I’m always grateful for what I have no matter the situation. I have abundance of people that love me and I am content with what I have. Thank you mother earth for your abundance of beautiful souls in my life.

Connection Lost … Reboot by Vanessa Anderson

Time, the one thing we surely did not need to stockpile, yet unlike the dwindling ingredients in my grocery cupboard rendering me dumbstruck come supper time, the minutes, hours and days are abundant. We are all starting to feel a little frazzled by the confines of our four walls and even our animals are starting to wonder just when they will be able to claim back the daylight hours of our home for themselves. The honeymoon phase of endlessly trailing us to the kitchen for titbits and sharing sunny slumber spots is wearing thin with the increase in tummy tickles and shrieking laughter from those youthful inmates trying to amuse themselves.

As we enter the second week of lockdown I am sure that we are all suffering from some lack of connectivity, whether it is the faces of our friends and family, or our colleagues or even the teacher at our children’s school. Those encounters, once trivial in their frequency now a distant shimmering oasis in this desert of human connectivity we find ourselves wandering in.

The very thing that shall save us, being the one thing we have evolved to depend on – being connected. I mused at the beginning of it all about how distance was the global savior of those who lost their lives to pandemics throughout history. Distance because exposure was limited by trade routes, and relatively easy to contain geographically.

The world we live in today is so very different, with its high speed internet access and satellite images that have made the world we live in that much smaller, that much more accessible. I am not going to knock the connectedness of our electronic age. It is the same creature that will help us to connect to our loved ones across continents and oceans during this time, help us to continue working so that we can ease the economic recession, help us share information and uplift others who are finding negativity in these dark spaces. It has a purpose and for that we should be grateful.

No, time was certainly not on my shopping list as I prepared for this lockdown, but you know what has crept onto it – data, connection to source. Those first few days spent anxiously watching the data donut dolefully drudge across my screen, then disappear as I lost connection. I needed to work you see, I needed to share information with people for work – it was important and I was letting the team down and the more anxious and angry I got the slower the donut drudged.

You see there is something you should know about me – I don’t get along well with electronics. I don’t wear a watch – they tend to lose time, or stop working altogether.  I can literally feel the IT technicians cringe when they have to hear me out as I describe some weird thing my computer just did. I have an auto electrician on speed dial because my car’s radio, battery, lights….the list goes on, tends to act up regularly. I try to stay away from electronics but I also have a job to do.

So here’s what I have only just learnt.

When the connection was lost, I shut down the computer, switched off the wifi and went outside, I sat in the garden with my cats and talked to my children, I took out my paints and finished my artwork, I watered my seedlings. I acknowledged the connection with self, the connection with source and rewired.

It’s a funny thing, even though we have come so far, spread across continents, traversed oceans… evolved. There is one connection we have never lost, even though we lost sight of if, even if the donut was dwindling on its edge about to tip over, we never lost connection to source and time, even though it was not on my shopping list is the one thing I never want to be without again.