Good day to our readers, If it were not for you we would have no platform to voice ourselves, Thank you for supporting our blog, I’d like to write on Depression as I know there are many different forms of it and hopefully by writing my personal thoughts down it could motivate someone or even one of you have some advice for me in my time of mental turmoil. I was diagnosed in 2005 with bipolar mental disorder but as time has gone on they said I could have borderline disorder. Years ago I coped by self mutilating. I tried to hang myself. Numerous overdoses. After all that I’m still here and a better person for the experiences.
What I’m questioning these days is – Am I responsible for personal and family relationships going wrong or do people just not know how to support me? I really try my best to have a relationship with a partner but it gets to a stage where I become withdrawn and think that it’s him not understanding me – so I go quiet. Is it me rejecting people because I’m antisocial or is my tolerance level reaching boiling point? I know in my logical mind that it could be me rejecting them because of things happening in the relationship. My mind tells me to say how I feel. I do that then all hell breaks loose. People tend to judge me before trying to understand me. So as I always say to myself – the less people I talk to the less I need to impress. Is that a coping mechanism? I don’t know. I’ve learnt from my psychologist to let go of toxic people in my life. Did that. I’m past the point of trying to be alright if I’m not feeling alright.
I know I should’nt default on my medicine but sometimes I’m tired of depending on chemicals to make me smile. I’d like to smile from within without taking medicine to make me happy for the day. The only humans that can get me to some happiness are my two daughters and my beautiful grandsons. Just being in the space changes my mood naturally. Is it the covid 19 making it much worse by social distancing rules? Partly so but having a mental health problem we have bouts of high and low moods. It takes one small thing to push us over the edge and how we cope with that is so important. I’m good at helping others but helping myself is so difficult and at this stage all I’m doing these days is sleeping. Forcing myself to do daily chores and my night and day have changed. I’m up all night – sleep half my day away. Get energy in the afternoon and the routine goes from there. Obviously this is not a good time. I tell myself to pick myself up and that I have more than some people have. I must be grateful for food. A bed.
Healthy children and grandkids. I’m lucky to have support from my mental health clinic at my local hospital. At any given time I can walk in their door and get the support I need. Like many people I’m not currently working and that is making it worse.
My grandma on my fathers side had mental illness and i read it could be hereditory. My hope is that my daughters nor my grandsons not have it. It’s an illness I would not even wish on my worst enemy. I envy people that can be normal. Cope with life – how wonderful would that be? To feel happy and content. Thank you for letting me write my thoughts. I have never discussed my thoughts with so many strangers at one time. I know you will not be judgemental. Hopefully you think I am brave to open up to you – the reader. Trusting you with my insecurities and hoping I can get some understanding.