Be Yourself

Written by Karin Kelly — Transformation Coach

Focus word “BE YOURSELF “
We look outside of ourselves for love since that is how we found stability and love as children. We received rewards for our good deeds. The truth is, the love you’re looking for can only come from within.

Here are 3—of a couple points to practise being YOU.

• Cast Out the Idea That You Have to Be Perfect

If you’re wondering how to practice self-love, start by ditching the idea of perfect; perfect in every way—body, life, IQ. The idea of perfection is false, and when you see it on social media, it frequently hides serious mental health problems.

• Understand That Sometimes Social Expectations Offer Unrealistic Standards.

You are unique on this earth and cannot reasonably be compared to anyone else. You are the only one to whom you should compare yourself.

• Daily gratitude is the key to happiness and loving yourself.

When we get comfortable, we get ungrateful. Change that, and show gratitude every day.

Daily habits of intentionally recognising and feeling gratitude are one of the highest emotional and vibrational states you can experience. When you cultivate gratitude, you are able to feel true joy and peace, no matter what you currently have or don’t have in your life.

For those who understand how to use this power and practice it daily, they are able to attract more things into their lives to be thankful for.

Be Safe … Be YOU

#beingyou #coachkarinkelly #karinkelly

STOP MAKING EXCUSES

Written by Karin Kelly

Too Tired
Too Hard
Too Busy
Too Stressed

It’s time to quit making excuses.
There’s no room for excuses like “If it weren’t for him,” or “If it weren’t for them,” or “If it weren’t for that circumstance, or my background, or my limitations.”
All that is real, yes … I do not dispute that!

So why do people make excuses generally?

• Fear

Perhaps you make excuses about going after your dreams because you’re afraid of failure. You may make excuses about your weight or your health because of self-doubt and lack of confidence. It is challenging to stop making excuses and face your fears – but it can be done.

*Uncertainty

*Lack of purpose

Focus on finding your passion and living a life of meaning, and you’ll naturally stop making excuses.

HOW TO STOP MAKING EXCUSES

Excuses are normal from time to time—we’re all human after all. But if it’s starting to interfere with your life and prevent you from reaching your goals, it’s time to learn to put your foot down on the brake.

1. TAKE RESPONSIBILITY

The first step to stop making excuses is always to realize that you alone control your destiny.

2. SHIFT YOUR PERSPECTIVE

Everything that has happened in your life brought you to this moment – and you can either transform your life or keep making excuses.

3. UNCOVER YOUR LIMITING BELIEFS

If you believe deep down that you’re not deserving of success or that you don’t have the inner strength to overcome failure, you’ll continue making excuses to avoid going after what you really want.

4. CHANGE YOUR STORY

Once you’ve identified your limiting beliefs, you can change your story and stop making excuses for good. Do this by identifying negative self-talk and replacing any limiting beliefs with empowering ones. When you change your words—and your story—you change your life.

5. FIND THE LESSON

Contemplate and look closer at situations or something that did not work out. Don’t blame others! Also do not disect it that you remain there however learn the valuable lessons
E.g.
Question—What is my lesson?
Answer—Not to give my power away.

Successful people always look for the lesson and apply it to future decisions.

6. STOP OVERTHINKING
7. SET GOALS
8. GET SUPPORT

The key to stop making excuses is to hold yourself accountable for your actions—however, this isn’t always easy. Get support from a trusted friend or your significant other. Better yet, find a mentor, join a Mindmastery course or connect with a coach. They’ll have the experience and training needed to keep you accountable and productive.

From your Transformation Coach
Karin Kelly

Be Safe … Be You

Is Change Hard?

Written by Karin Kelly Lawrenz

The you who is reading now is almost an entirely different you to the one of 10 years ago; and the one of 10 years ago was different to the one from a decade before that.

I am sure you were not struggling to make those changes. Most part you weren’t even aware as they happened because you’re in a constant state of change as is everybody else and every living creature.

The contradiction is that the one thing that is happening to you all the time is the one thing you resist the most.

The one thing you think is difficult and painful is the one thing you are best at.

You may think you embrace change and in some situations that may well be true, but in others you will resist with all your might.

As an extreme example, you will almost certainly resist your own death.

If you get sick you will seek help to restore your health because that’s not the kind of change you want to see happen.

Maybe it is a career change that you know deep down will be good for you, ending a disempowering or abusive relationship or quitting smoking.

Change Is Easy
The actual process of change is very, very, easy.

With leaving an abusive partner, the actual walking out the door bit is not difficult, presuming that is, you know how to open a door.

Starting a new job is easy. All that’s entailed is arriving at your new place of work, probably signing a few forms, being shown around and introduced to your colleagues and hey presto, you have started!

As for quitting smoking, that’s the easiest thing in the world because you do not have to do anything. How easy is it not to buy cigarettes?

You think of change as being difficult, not because it is, but because you are told it is and the process of getting to the point where you do the change can look difficult, or even overwhelming.

And the reason that you think of the process of change as being difficult is because (presuming you are like most people) you construct images of what could go wrong, how much preparation there is to do and how uncomfortable you’ll feel.

What if I don’t like my new job? What if my boss is horrible, my co-workers don’t like me or the work is too difficult?
What if I cannot find another partner? What if I can’t find anywhere to live, or worse still if I end up with an even more abusive person than previously?
What if I get cravings? What if I fold after one too many beers at the Christmas Party in 6 months? And how will I cope if I get mega-stressed, because smoking always calms me down?

And so, you build up change as this huge great unconquerable demon who stands 30 feet tall, breathes fire and farts bullets.

The Case for the Prosecution
The truth however is somewhat different and the evidence that you’re more capable than you give yourself credit for, is not just compelling, but totally and utterly devastating.

No attorney on the planet would defend the argument that you cannot deal with change, because they tend to be clever people and they know they’d lose every single time.

What was the last change that happened in your life that you didn’t deal with?

Give it some thought.

If you are struggling to pick one don’t worry because I can answer the question for you.

There is not one.

You have dealt with every single piece of adversity life has thrown at you, and the reason I know that is because you are here right now reading this blog post.

Sure, there may be events in your past that you wished you’d handled with more aplomb, equanimity, grace or humour, but you still dealt with them, they didn’t kill you.

You have more toughness, more resilience, more tenacity, more adaptability and more resolve than you ever give yourself credit for.

The reason I get irritated with Life Coaches making silly blanket statements such as, “change is hard” (which I recently read on another coach’s blog) is because, firstly there are billions of examples where people have changed with ease, but more importantly, it creates a belief that things will be hard.

The Power of Your Belief System
If you set out to make some beneficial changes in your life believing they will take months of hard work and even then, they may not come to fruition you exponentially increase the likelihood that it will takes months of hard work and may not come to fruition.

Some Life Coaches may want you to think change is hard because that way they convince you to sign up for long-term contracts and you set off on the journey believing that is how long it will take because your coach said so.

Actually, that may be a tad harsh. I think with a handful of coaches it’s like that, but with many more they simply do not know any better.

However, the biggest indicator of how successful you will be is not the Life Coach you work with, the money you spend, the affirmations you utter, the books you read or the prayers you say, it is the beliefs you hold.

Of course, some of the above things can help bolster your belief system and I recommend doing anything legal, moral or ethical that does likewise, but they are tools to help you, they are not the reason you will or will not succeed.

Without belief, you are not necessarily bound to fail, but you are going to increase the likelihood exponentially.

There is an amazing story about the power of the belief, a story that when I first was told it on my Life Coach training I simply did not believe it.

If this story does not blow you away and make you fully appreciate the power of your beliefs, then you are possibly in denial.

Contemplate on this.

Karin Kelly
Transforamtion Coach : Author
https://karinkelly.com

Main Stressors and Solutions

Written by Karin Kelly Transformation Coach

People cross my path on a daily basis, whether it be a coaching client, or just sitting in a coffee shop and hearing people talk around me, and let’s not forget social media feeds — so it’s inevitable that the “stress” of life, in one way or another is brought up, be it death of a loved one, divorce, loss of a job, increasing financial obligations, getting married, moving to a new home, suffering chronic illness or injury, and even political uncertainty — they are our major stressors in life.

I write as a transformation coach, but also from a personal perspective, as I have gone through 5 of the 7 main stressors — facing death, within the week of being told, was the major one for me.
“You don’t know if the roof is leaking unless you live on the inside.” We don’t know what is going on inside of others unless we ask and unless they tell. People don’t typically go around talking about their problems, depression, anxiety, sad thoughts, or self-loathing. They fear rejection or being a burden to their friends and families.

Over 7 billion people on the planet have a different fingerprint (wow it’s difficult getting your head around that), thus the concept of our energy is different from everyone else’s. Therefore, the way we deal with the main proven stressors is going to be dealt with differently by each and every individual. No Judgement, no blame!

I see a lot of loneliness, isolation, lack of connection, and judgement, in our world today. I believe this has a hand in our increased stress in our lives and in dealing with traumatising situations. Just knowing there are people to talk to and people who care in your world is a huge gift.

We live in very stressful times. Out of seemingly nowhere, an event takes hold of us and we are dealing with the unexpected messiness that comes with living. We also put a lot of expectations on ourselves.

Our society is set up such, where success, a person’s worth is looked at, what kind of job you have, how much money you have, what vehicle you drive, where you stay, and your social circle, to mention a few……everyone wants to be loved.

When we start to experience stress and anxiety, we know that we have crossed a boundary line. The basic root to stress and anxiety is that one thinks that things are not going to turn out well — and that is why we become anxious.
“I am never going to cure myself of my illness”
“I am never going to find another job in these times”
“How am I going to make this relationship work when the breakup rate is so high”
“What is my purpose”
“What am I going to do with my life”

What to do? Well the first thing is not to panic — it’s all part of the journey. You need to recognise and accept that you are not going to have it all figured out.

Secondly, accept where you find yourself and that there will always be uncertainty in your life. You don’t get to know it all. Just look at an artist and how they make decisions. To be artists they have to free themselves to make mistakes and go into unknown territory.

Thirdly, it doesn’t have to be perfect. People are not perfect.

Fourth is to truly have trust in life. When we expect the best out of life, in most cases that is what we attract. Have a fundamental belief that you are good enough. Love yourself, trust yourself and life, and know that you are good and worthy of it all. Many a time, stress and anxiety are fabricated by our minds. We worry so much and have so many unnecessary thoughts that we don’t even know which worry has taken root within ourselves. Leave ego alone.

Fifth, we do not get to go back. However, we do have the ability, through our thoughts and actions, to chart a course towards new opportunities.

Sixth is the sign you are not having fun in your life. You are stuck, or lost in your own consciousness and thoughts. Learn to be present and self-aware about the different elements that make up your personality — and see them without judgment. Take some time in your day to have some fun. Go stand in your garden or the beach and take in the beauty. Or have a conversation with a friend. Notice the beauty around you. Become self-aware about the beauty within yourself. When you’re self-aware you reduce the chances of being completely thrown by things that happen — and any wrong or inappropriate moves that you might make in response to those things happening.

Life is a journey towards something — it is not the destination.

Where we are going in life will most certainly be determined by how we think and act from this point on. Here we have absolute control.

When I work with transformation or healing and my client is so self-absorbed — their minds being full, and no light at the end of the tunnel, I tell them a story of fire. When there is a fire on a mountain for example, it is devastating, destructive and painful. When everything is burnt down to ash and nothing is left, a couple of days later what starts to show? New growth from the existing seed takes place. Change starts to take place. This gives you the perfect opportunity for reinvention (moving towards a destination). As much as the devastation seemed unbelievable, unconceivable by your thoughts, this now gives you a new concept, or new way of life, or whatever it is, to develop YOU. It gives you, YOU time — to look at your deeper layers of understanding of who you are and what you really want out of life, whether its divorce, change of job as mentioned in the beginning of the article.

My advice is then to start from the bottom like the new seed after the fire. Building yourself up by looking into your life, doing some introspection and contemplation and then seeing how being a victim to that circumstance actually doesn’t serve you. Nine out of ten times you will get the answer that it will not serve you

We have all the resources at our disposal — but we are not meant to do it alone. So next time talk to a trusted friend, family, a transformation coach, or psychologist, to name a few.

The Consequence Ignoring Your Gut Instinct/Intuition

Written by Karin Kelly Lawrenz

When chatting to clients about intuition, gut instinct or whatever else you want to call that feeling you get of a deep knowing without being able to explain it (especially when doing Core Values)—is that too many people ignore those feelings because they frequently don’t seem logical or rational.

In fact, quite the opposite, they often seem dim, dumb or just plain bizarre.

The result when we dismiss the feeling because we don’t understand it, we frequently regret doing so at a later date. I personally have been subject to that.

The Consequence of Ignoring Your Gut Instinct

A close friend of mine went through with marriage even though her gut told her not to, even as she walked up the aisle. It didn’t end well.

I went away with a male friend for a week years ago. We got on like a house on fire, good company, stunning venue, separate rooms. My instinct/gut was screaming at the top of my voice, “NO NO NO NO Karin, don’t listen to him—don’t do it”. I mean …. what can happen. The end result was an absolute disaster on returning back home and that is putting it mildly. I can go as far as saying that even while there amongst the tranquillity of the mountain, trees and sea in the distance, I felt uneasy all the time. But no …. I Ignored my gut instinct.

I had a friend whose fiancé was killed in a car accident. She was the one who felt uneasy from the get-go about him using the car to travel upcountry and tried to stop him. Many years later she still hasn’t fully let go.

The common theme with all of the above examples is that the gut feeling didn’t really make much sense at a conscious level and thus they were relatively easy to dismiss.

My friend marrying was the right thing to do and expected, I was being taken away on a much-needed getaway complimentary from my friend—I thought to myself “what not—stop being a kloester koek—just do it—stop second-guessing yourself”.

My friend had no control over what she was feeling and tried to relate it to her fiancé, in turn being miles away overseas.

What could possibly go wrong?

It’s Tricky Analysing a Gut Feeling Consciously.

Your gut instincts come from the very old and highly evolved unconscious part of your brain.

Whereas analysis is done at the conscious level (the neo-cortex) which is a few hundred thousand years behind evolutionary speaking and nothing like as efficient at dealing with information.

The best analogy I have ever heard (which I think came from the awesome book, Your Brain at Work) in illustrating the disparity of power, is to think of your conscious mind as being the change in your pocket and your unconscious mind as the US economy.

Have you ever had a feeling that you just know somebody is behind you even though you haven’t heard or seen anything?

Then when you turn round there is indeed somebody sneaking up on you with a large axe?

Ok, hopefully not a large axe, but maybe a friend planning to make you jump?

How did you know?

You will actually find it almost impossible to answer that question because the truth is you don’t know how you knew, you just did.

When anybody comes into close proximity to you there is a slight increase in temperature from their body heat and also the movement of air as they move.

The changes are tiny and imperceptible at a conscious level because your conscious struggles to deal adequately with more than about 4 pieces of information at any one time.

The Limitations of Your Conscious Mind

But your unconscious mind can deal with thousands of things at once and your amygdala, which is the part of your brain on alert for possible threats, has noticed the changes and sends you a warning signal.

Now imagine there really is a mad axeman behind you.

Are you better trying to work out what is giving you a sense of unease, or are you better acting on the uneasy feeling and getting out of the way?

Sitting there thinking, “I have no idea why I’m feeling like this and therefore I may as well ignore the message” is likely to end up with you minus a head.

I know that is a rather absurd and over the top example, but it clearly demonstrates why trying to analyse such situations is rarely helpful.

Gut instinct quote: “Your Unconscious Is Much Smarter Than You Think”

At a conscious level, my friend had no idea her husband was going to be jealous, abusive and controlling because he hadn’t overtly demonstrated that side of his character at that point.

I hadn’t noticed that I didn’t trust my male friend because there was nothing tangible to put my finger on. On the surface, he seemed like a nice guy and said all the right things.

And the friend who lost her fiancé in a horrific car accident consciously or had nothing tangible to go on that he shouldn’t take the car and go up country. She even voiced her gut feeling to him.

But in each situation, there were enough subtle clues to have the amygdala screaming at all of us, “WTH!! Did you see that, did you see that??”

Only the amygdala can’t talk or scream at you and it can’t explain to you the myriad of information it has gathered on your behalf to keep you safe.

All it can do is send a feeling that something isn’t quite right and then hopes to hell you won’t ignore it.

I’m not saying that you should never analyse gut feelings because I’m sure there are occasions when that’s useful, even if I’m struggling to think of any at the moment. Please let me know in the comments if you can come up with a great example.

However, I am saying that ignoring your intuition—gut feeling, because you cannot make sense of it analytically, is akin to ignoring the, “Don’t feed the Lions” sign at the zoo because you personally have never seen anybody eaten by a Lion.

What’s your take, do you listen to your intuition or rationalise the mickey out of it?

I’m also curious to know if you have ever ignored a really strong gut feeling and severely regretted it afterwards.

Karin Kelly
Transformation Coach: Author

The Freedom in Forgiveness by Karin Kelly Lawrenz

Excerpt from my book…
Forgiveness Explained

Psychologists generally define forgiveness as a conscious, deliberate decision to release feelings of resentment or vengeance toward a person or group who has harmed you, regardless of whether they actually deserve your forgiveness. Forgiveness does not mean forgetting, nor does it mean condoning or excusing offenses.
We often think of forgiveness as a kind, magnanimous act—an act of mercy or compassion extended to someone who wronged us. While that can be true, research over the past few decades has revealed enormous personal benefits to forgiveness as well.

Forgiveness : There is freedom in forgiveness. I have personally experienced this in my life.

J Kehoe “Forgiveness is letting go of “your upset.” You let go of it because it does you no good. Every time you think of the person who has upset you, you get upset. You lose energy. The upset that you feel is in you and does not affect them in the slightest. You are the one suffering from it. In fact you suffer from it again and again, every time you think about it. The smartest way to deal with the upset is to forgive and move on. “But they don’t deserve my forgiveness,” you might say. Perhaps this is true. But whether they do or not is not the issue—YOU deserve it.

You deserve to be free of this annoyance, to not have it upset you and bring you down every single time you think about it. The benefit of forgiveness is for the person forgiving, not for the person being forgiven. When you realise this, it becomes much easier to forgive. In fact it seems almost ludicrous not to forgive.”

I wrote an article not so long ago “How do we let go” and can be read on my blog.

Like stress, chronic anger, resentment and even hatred play havoc with our well-being. They remove our peace of mind, make us more susceptible to disease, can mess with our sleep and ultimately decrease our overall happiness levels.

In other words, we’re allowing the person concerned to carry on exerting power over us sometimes years, even decades, after the original event.

And to compound the issue they rarely even know it. I totally understand that forgiveness is not always easy, but the benefits that come with it are so huge that it’s worth cultivating.

Main Stresses and Solutions by Karin Kelly Lawrenz (Transformation Coach)

People cross my path on a daily basis, whether it be a coaching client, or just sitting in a coffee shop and hearing people talk around me, and let’s not forget social media feeds — so it’s inevitable that the “stress” of life, in one way or another is brought up, be it death of a loved one, divorce, loss of a job, increasing financial obligations, getting married, moving to a new home, suffering chronic illness or injury, and even political uncertainty — they are our major stressors in life.

I write as a transformation coach, but also from a personal perspective, as I have gone through 5 of the 7 main stressors — facing death, within the week of being told, was the major one for me.

“You don’t know if the roof is leaking unless you live on the inside.” We don’t know what is going on inside of others unless we ask and unless they tell. People don’t typically go around talking about their problems, depression, anxiety, sad thoughts, or self-loathing. They fear rejection or being a burden to their friends and families.

Over 7 billion people on the planet have a different fingerprint (wow it’s difficult getting your head around that), thus the concept of our energy is different from everyone else’s. Therefore the way we deal with the main proven stressors is going to be dealt with differently by each and every individual. No Judgement, no blame!

I see a lot of loneliness, isolation, lack of connection, and judgement, in our world today. I believe this has a hand in our increased stress in our lives and in dealing with traumatising situations. Just knowing there are people to talk to and people who care in your world is a huge gift.

We live in very stressful times. Out of seemingly nowhere, an event takes hold of us and we are dealing with the unexpected messiness that comes with living. We also put a lot of expectations on ourselves.

Our society is set up such, where success, a person’s worth is looked at, what kind of job you have, how much money you have, what vehicle you drive, where you stay, and your social circle, to mention a few……everyone wants to be loved.

When we start to experience stress and anxiety we know that we have crossed a boundary line. The basic root to stress and anxiety is that one thinks that things are not going to turn out well — and that is why we become anxious.

“I am never going to cure myself of my illness”
“I am never going to find another job in these times”
“How am I going to make this relationship work when the breakup rate is so high”
“What is my purpose”
“What am I going to do with my life”

What to do? Well the first thing is not to panic — it’s all part of the journey. You need to recognise and accept that you are not going to have it all figured out. Secondly, accept where you find yourself and that there will always be uncertainty in your life. You don’t get to know it all. Just look at an artist and how they make decisions. To be artists they have to free themselves to make mistakes and go into unknown territory. Thirdly, it doesn’t have to be perfect. People are not perfect. Fourth is to truly have trust in life. When we expect the best out of life, in most cases that is what we attract. Have a fundamental belief that you are good enough. Love yourself, trust yourself and life, and know that you are good and worthy of it all. Many a time, stress and anxiety are fabricated by our minds. We worry so much and have so many unnecessary thoughts that we don’t even know which worry has taken root within ourselves. Leave ego alone.

Fifth, we do not get to go back. However we do have the ability, through our thoughts and actions, to chart a course towards new opportunities.
Sixth is the sign you are not having fun in your life. You are stuck, or lost in your own consciousness and thoughts. Learn to be present and self-aware about the different elements that make up your personality — and see them without judgment. Take some time in your day to have some fun. Go stand in your garden or the beach and take in the beauty. Or have a conversation with a friend. Notice the beauty around you. Become self-aware about the beauty within yourself. When you’re self-aware you reduce the chances of being completely thrown by things that happen — and any wrong or inappropriate moves that you might make in response to those things happening.

Life is a journey towards something — it is not the destination.

Where we are going in life will most certainly be determined by how we think and act from this point on. Here we have absolute control.

When I work with transformation or healing and my client is so self-absorbed — their minds being full, and no light at the end of the tunnel, I tell them a story of fire. When there is a fire on a mountain for example, it is devastating, destructive and painful. When everything is burnt down to ash and nothing is left, a couple of days later what starts to show? New growth from the existing seed takes place. Change starts to take place. This gives you the perfect opportunity for reinvention (moving towards a destination). As much as the devastation seemed unbelievable, unconceivable by your thoughts, this now gives you a new concept, or new way of life, or whatever it is, to develop YOU. It gives you, YOU time — to look at your deeper layers of understanding of who you are and what you really want out of life, whether it’s divorce, change of job as mentioned in the beginning of the article.

My advice is then to start from the bottom like the new seed after the fire. Building yourself up by looking into your life, doing some introspection and contemplation and then seeing how being a victim to that circumstance actually doesn’t serve you. Nine out of ten times you will get the answer that it will not serve you

We have all the resources at our disposal — but we are not meant to do it alone. So next time talk to a trusted friend, family, a transformation coach, or psychologist, to name a few.

Is Happiness a Choice? Karin Kelly Lawrenz Transformation Coach

I seem to wonder if it’s to a large extent, inaccurate, not to mention and perhaps unfair to the millions of people that then presume they’re doing something wrong because no matter how hard they try they can’t seem to simply up their happiness levels at will.

The bad news is, the latest research suggests that about 50% of your happiness levels are predetermined by your genetics.

Therefore, if you are genetically predisposed to be a worrier, it’s going to take a lot more work reversing that trend because that will always be the easiest route for your unconscious to take.

The good news is that it can be done and there is enough wiggle room in the 50% that you can influence to make you as happy as a pig in mud. However, to achieve that, it takes perseverance, commitment and a belief that you can change.

And the last part, belief, as is often the case, is probably the key. A brilliant blog which Mark Tyrell wrote on “steps to self-belief” using the Dumbo story.

Here is a snippet from an article:

“The crowd waits. Surely he’s going to die. How can he survive a dive from such a massive height into a tiny pool of water? But he can fly! – Only he doesn’t yet believe it. He’s been shunned all his life as a freak with gigantic ears. He’s lost his ‘magic feather’ and thinks that without it he can’t fly. Timothy mouse desperately, frantically tells him:
“It’s not the feather, it’s you! You can fly. Forget the feather. It’s time to dive.”
He falls. The crowd gasps. But just as he’s about to smash into the shallow water, Timothy’s words come back to him: “It’s you, Dumbo, not the feather!”
At last he flies! He doesn’t need the feather.
Finally truly believing in himself, he escapes the captive circus.

Some people believe so strongly that their map of the world is the map of the world that they never try and change because they think change is impossible, and so to try would be a waste of time.

But let’s presume that you aren’t one of those people and that you’d really like some more happiness in your life and believe it’s possible. What can you do?

The starting point is diligently monitoring and screening everything that enters your body, and I really do mean everything.

• I am without doubt one of those people that has a predisposition to being overwhelmed (not often), when taking on too much that I suppress my real feelings sending me on a spiral of self-doubt and everything gets too much which puts my mind shift in not a happy place. I really have to work hard at not letting that get the better of me and I do it by trying to remove as much toxicity as possible from my life.

Toxic People
I actually dislike this phrase and I am guilty of it as well because let’s be honest …. I happen to think ‘toxic’ people are struggling with their own lives and are dealing with their own circumstances and insecurities in the only way they know how.

Unfortunately, their way of dealing with things often manifests as a desire to undermine others in an attempt to feel better about themselves.
For the most part, and presuming you cannot help them, it’s best to slowly phase these people out of your life.

Unfortunately, sometimes the people that fit into this category are family or close friends and they’re not easy to remove from our lives, even if we wanted to. The only advice I can offer if you’re trapped in such a relationship is to take control of the way you view it.

Be curious and empathetic as to why they are how they are rather than being judgmental about their behaviours and actions. Be thankful you’re not like that and learn to reframe any of the rubbish that comes your way.

Toxic Food
When I said monitor what you put in to your body, I did say I meant everything.

If you put diesel into a car designed to run on petrol it’s going to cease up.
Yet millions of people every day do something similar with their bodies and the results are no more than to be expected.

Toxic News
Watching TV news …. TV news deals in fear. It wants to scare and intimidate you into watching and hopes you’ll cling on to the belief that you need to watch to be well informed.

Think about it. You can start feeling cheesed off even angry about something that was completely and utterly out of your control.

There’s nothing wrong with wanting to be well informed. But if you want to up your happiness levels, and you tend to get upset, angry and negative with your surroundings, I doubt a diet loaded with news in any of its guises will help up your happiness.

Toxic Thoughts
These are tricky suckers to spot and almost a decade into my own self-development journey I still catch myself thinking toxic thoughts from time to time.

The specifics will vary from person to person, but any repetitive thoughts you have that put you down are toxic and need to be erased forthwith if you are going to maximise on your happiness levels.
It’s a cliché I know, but you shouldn’t be saying anything to yourself that you wouldn’t say to a loved one.

Toxic Lethargy
Exercise is probably the best mood enhancer known to mankind that isn’t going to cost you a fortune. Exercise doesn’t just help you get fit, look good and keep the weight down, it also floods your body with beta-endorphins that raise your mood and self-esteem.

I start Friday cycling as I convert my bike to be used indoors (practice what you preach Karin )

If you really can’t be arsed to exercise you could try meditation so I have been advised from a friend, (or better still, double the benefits and do both!). Whereas you won’t develop a 6-pack, meditation can supply similar mood enhancing effects as well as lowering stress levels which leads to an improvement in health and thus happiness.

And finally .…
We know that helping other people lights up the same part of the brain that taking stimulant drugs like amphetamines and cocaine does, so why not increase your happiness levels by giving back.

I’d love to hear your tips on happiness. Have you done any of the above or maybe something completely different. Please let me know in the comments.

Karin Kelly Lawrenz
Transformation Coach

The Gift of Fear by Karin Kelly Lawrenz

Our culture vilifies fear. But like any emotion, fear is neither bad nor good. Each emotion has an evolutionary purpose. They all have vital messages for us if we dare to listen. What matters, what makes the difference is what we do with each emotion, how we react to it.

Fear, after all, has allowed humans and the rest of our mammalian family to survive eons, to survive unspeakable dangers. At its core, fear protects life. It fights for life. Many think it is a life-stopping emotion, but think of the many times fear has kept you or those you love safe. Think of the times it has warned you. Sent you brilliant intuitions. Kicked in your instincts, your highest most ingenious response. Protected that which needed protecting. Fear keeps us alive. It is vital. But when in shadow, when unconscious or when wounded, fear can harm in a misguided attempt to protect.

But fear itself is not, as so many teach, the opposite of love. In fact, we can use our fear to love better, love more, love deeper. We can use fear to care for ourselves and others, in ways that benefit all, beyond our immediate circle, beyond our town, our nation, our species.

We can use fear to innovate, to collaborate, to intuit the future and create solutions, to unify instead of polarize, to pay attention to and prioritize who and what needs our care, to prepare for change, to get to the bottom of issues instead of pointing fingers in blame. Yes, fear even has the ability to lessen our hate and our blame *if* we use fear wisely, if we use it consciously.

But few emotions we find more uncomfortable than fear. Few emotions we blame so many of our personal and societal woes on. Yet, as long as we condemn fear, keep it at arms length, react to it with minimal awareness or demand to replace it with easier emotions, it will incapacitate us. Instead of having fear, it will have us. As long as it is misunderstood and disparaged it will remain unconscious. And the more unconscious it is, the more invisible power it will have over us.

Fear itself is not the problem. It is our fear of fear. Our hatred of fear. Our desire to get as far away from fear that becomes a problem. It is our inability to sit with anxiety that leads to the inability to sit with others different than ourselves. It is our hatred of fear that leads to unjustified hatred of others, to othering, to violence, to greed. It is our inability to be intimate with what we are afraid of that squanders away our lives, that keeps us from living, that attempts to keep us and those around us small. Not fear itself.

Now more than ever our personal and collective fear is demanding our attention, our care, our healing, our consciousness. Now more than ever fear is asking for its redemption. If instead we were to listen to fear’s calls, loud as they are now, urgent as they are now…If instead we were to move with compassion into our bodies and our minds and our hearts where our anxiety dwells and get intimate with what is there, we could use fear to heal and protect not just our own life, but all of life.

So during this time of fear, when it grips you in the night or follows you quietly through the day, instead of compulsively reacting to it, why not move gently towards it. What does it feel like, look like, sound like? How old does it feel? Is it you at 5 years old, or 10 or 30? What is it asking of you? What is the deeper fear? What of it is founded? What of it is not? Is part of it coming from an old script, an old wound? What does this part of you truly need? To know you won’t abandon yourself, even if things got hard? To hold tenderly the uncertainty of all things? To find your true center? To find something more secure and real to stand upon? Who in you can sit with this fear, can tolerate it? Who in you cannot?

Photo by Nandhu Kumar on Pexels.com

It is, however, absolutely understandable that we are so afraid of this particular emotion. Because as many who venture into their fears discover, underneath all the anxiety is often a fear of the unknown, and beneath the fear of the unknown, is a fear of death. Being with fear then is an act of the utmost bravery. It means facing some of the most difficult and uncomfortable aspects of being human. Being with fear means being with that delicate and difficult dance between the fight for life and the honouring of death…Our desire to live and an acceptance that we do not live forever, and the great mystery that follows there. But it is in this tension, in the discomfort of our fears that the potential of life can finally fully expand and extend its reach. With no restrictions placed upon it, life can finally breathe and flower and grow. Life can finally live.

While it is true that sometimes our unconscious reaction to fear cuts off life, it is also true then, that a more conscious reaction can do just the opposite. It can bring more life, to not just ourselves but the world as well.

The Tension Between Inner Self and Outer Self – by Karin Kelly Lawrenz, Transformation Coach

The tension between the inner self and outer self is common in the modern world. Each of us is tugged in multiple directions every day and our actions and behaviours do not always align with our core values as a result.

However, becoming aware of your inner self and how it balances with your outer self is the foundation for good mental, physical, and spiritual health.

This is why it is an important aspect to consider when working on good balance in your life.

The Outer Self
At times it is helpful to present a different outer self to the world than what we experience on the inside. Most of us weigh the pros and cons of sharing our true feelings depending on what we expect in each set of circumstances. Our outer self is what we present to the world, and we usually try to curate it to reflect the best. However, problems arise when this becomes a habitual pattern at the expense of your true feelings.

The outer self is generally concerned with material things, such as how you present yourself (hair, clothes, etc.), as well as groups you belong to or personas that you portray. Your outer self spends its time coping with the demands of school, work, home life, and whatever other real-world distractions you experience each day. This external world can be demanding, leaving little time for you to consider whether what is taking place on the outside of your life matches what you ultimately desire on the inside.

The Inner Self
In contrast to the outer self, the inner self is about what can’t be seen: feelings, intuition, values, beliefs, personality, thoughts, emotions, fantasies, spirituality, desire, and purpose. A strong inner self means that you cope well with your emotions, are self-aware, have clarity and a good sense of your values, and feel a purpose in life.

It also means that you are able to remain calm and resilient in the face of adversity from the outer world.

Conflict Between Inner and Outer Self
Problems begin when the inner self and outer self are in conflict or out of balance. In its simplest terms, a conflict between the inner and outer self refers to a mismatch: you think one thing but do another.

The greater the conflict, the wider the difference between what the inner self believes is right and what the outer self does. This conflict ultimately causes stress that can be damaging to the mind, body, and spirit.

Often, this conflict arises due to spending too little time considering your inner self. How much of the time are you “running on empty,” just struggling to get through the demands of the day, without considering whether your actions and behaviours are in line with your inner self?

Conflict between the two selves can result in stress, which makes you more vulnerable to illness. Your daily functioning may also be affected. You may feel successful on the outside but empty on the inside. When this happens, you may also be at risk for quick fixes to heal your pain, such as turning to drugs or alcohol.

One way to identify if you are experiencing a conflict between your inner and outer selves is to identify gaps between your true values and outer actions.
Take a moment and list your core values. These might be things like believing in the value of honesty, integrity, friendship, helpfulness, etc.
Now, for each value, make a list of activities that you do each day that is in alignment with that value. Examples might include calling friends to see how they are doing or telling the truth even when it is difficult.
Finally, look for values that have little actions each day to support them. This is where you will find your conflict. If you value friendship but spend each day alone, that reflects a conflict between your values (inner self) and actions (outer self).

Balancing the Inner and Outer Self
Once you’ve identified problematic areas in your life, it is time to begin quieting your outer self with a goal of connecting with your inner self. Slow down, focus on the moment, and listen to your thoughts as you go about your day.

If you still feel in conflict, consider whether you might need to make life changes to address these issues. Perhaps a new job, change of relationship, or ending of friendships might be in order. Only you will know what specific changes might help to align you with your true inner self.

While thinking about what changes you need to make, it may be helpful to ask yourself the following questions:
What do you most want to pursue in life? Does this match what you are doing?
Will you feel good about the choices you are making at the end of your life?
Does your current life require you to stifle deeply held values?

Go back to the gaps that you identified in the previous section, and start with the largest ones. Ask yourself what changes you will need to make to align your inner and outer selves.

For example, one person might choose to change careers or reduce working hours to spend more time with family. Another person might change his or her field of work to more closely align with his or her values.

You might find that only simple changes need to be made, such as slowing down each day and taking the time to talk and listen to others, rather than always being in a rush. Sometimes the conflict between our inner and outer selves is not that large and doesn’t take that much to address.

However, becoming aware of your inner self and how it balances with your outer self is the foundation for good mental, physical, and spiritual health.

This is why it is an important aspect to consider when working on good balance in your life.

The Outer Self
At times it is helpful to present a different outer self to the world than what we experience on the inside. Most of us weigh the pros and cons of sharing our true feelings depending on what we expect in each set of circumstances. Our outer self is what we present to the world, and we usually try to curate it to reflect the best. However, problems arise when this becomes a habitual pattern at the expense of your true feelings.

The outer self is generally concerned with material things, such as how you present yourself (hair, clothes, etc.), as well as groups you belong to or personas that you portray. Your outer self spends its time coping with the demands of school, work, home life, and whatever other real-world distractions you experience each day. This external world can be demanding, leaving little time for you to consider whether what is taking place on the outside of your life matches what you ultimately desire on the inside.

The Inner Self
In contrast to the outer self, the inner self is about what can’t be seen: feelings, intuition, values, beliefs, personality, thoughts, emotions, fantasies, spirituality, desire, and purpose. A strong inner self means that you cope well with your emotions, are self-aware, have clarity and a good sense of your values, and feel a purpose in life.

It also means that you are able to remain calm and resilient in the face of adversity from the outer world.

Conflict Between Inner and Outer Self
Problems begin when the inner self and outer self are in conflict or out of balance. In its simplest terms, a conflict between the inner and outer self refers to a mismatch: you think one thing but do another.

The greater the conflict, the wider the difference between what the inner self believes is right and what the outer self does. This conflict ultimately causes stress that can be damaging to the mind, body, and spirit.

Often, this conflict arises due to spending too little time considering your inner self. How much of the time are you “running on empty,” just struggling to get through the demands of the day, without considering whether your actions and behaviours are in line with your inner self?

Conflict between the two selves can result in stress, which makes you more vulnerable to illness. Your daily functioning may also be affected. You may feel successful on the outside but empty on the inside. When this happens, you may also be at risk for quick fixes to heal your pain, such as turning to drugs or alcohol.

One way to identify if you are experiencing a conflict between your inner and outer selves is to identify gaps between your true values and outer actions.

1. Take a moment and list your core values. These might be things like believing in the value of honesty, integrity, friendship, helpfulness, etc.
2. Now, for each value, make a list of activities that you do each day that is in alignment with that value. Examples might include calling friends to see how they are doing or telling the truth even when it is difficult.
3. Finally, look for values that have little actions each day to support them. This is where you will find your conflict. If you value friendship but spend each day alone, that reflects a conflict between your values (inner self) and actions (outer self).

Balancing the Inner and Outer Self
Once you’ve identified problematic areas in your life, it is time to begin quieting your outer self with a goal of connecting with your inner self. Slow down, focus on the moment, and listen to your thoughts as you go about your day.

If you still feel in conflict, consider whether you might need to make life changes to address these issues. Perhaps a new job, change of relationship, or ending of friendships might be in order. Only you will know what specific changes might help to align you with your true inner self.

While thinking about what changes you need to make, it may be helpful to ask yourself the following questions:

• What do you most want to pursue in life?
• Does this match what you are doing?
• Will you feel good about the choices you are making at the end of your life?
• Does your current life require you to stifle deeply held values?

Go back to the gaps that you identified in the previous section, and start with the largest ones. Ask yourself what changes you will need to make to align your inner and outer selves.

For example, one person might choose to change careers or reduce working hours to spend more time with family. Another person might change his or her field of work to more closely align with his or her values.

You might find that only simple changes need to be made, such as slowing down each day and taking the time to talk and listen to others, rather than always being in a rush. Sometimes the conflict between our inner and outer selves is not that large and doesn’t take that much to address.