Good day to our wonderful fan base. Have you been blessed this week? There will always be trying times no matter what we do or say. My article this week is inspired by my experiences with friends that have had challenges in their relationships and they confided in me in the hope that I could save their situation.
Unfortunately, I am not a fairy that can wave my wand and their lives are saved. I myself face challenges but from my personal problems, I find helping people in need to help me see how blessed I am.
Two of my female friends are facing abuse from their partners and children. Let us start at case number one, I would rather not mention names.
She is a mother of five. Her children are grown but the one daughter is mixing with the wrong crowd and has been abusing drugs for years. The daughter brings suspect people home to her mom’s house. She has a daughter of ten and expects my friend to take care of the child. The little girl has seen her own mother drugged up and stabbed by the drug addicts she brings home and no matter what my friend says her daughter will not listen.
My friend is abused physically and mentally by her daughter and my friend’s husband agrees with his daughter, which is so wrong. The daughter does not work and has never supported her little girl financially since birth. My friend is a wreck and the only thing she feels she can do is to sit in her room and cry all day in the hope tomorrow will be better. It is an absolute tragedy.
Case number two is of a woman I have met recently. I do not really know her life but the few conversations we have had has let me realise that she is struggling financially and she is trying her best to get some employment but with her personal challenges she cannot leave her six-year-old daughter by a sitter as she does not have the finances for after school care. She sent me a message and asked do I know where she can stay as her husband told her to leave.
They are sharing a bed with the six-year-old as they cannot afford to buy her a bed of her own and the husband is verbally abusive according to what I heard on the recordings she sent me.
My question to her was – how can he talk to her that way with the child in the bed. He was talking of very personal intimate issues and he sounded intoxicated. Today I asked her how she is doing and she said they had discussed the issues and it is sorted. Obviously, she had to succumb to him as she and her daughter have nowhere to go.
This is a common scenario in today’s households whether it be a man or woman that is being abused. I myself was abused for years but I found a way out which was also not the best but I am grateful for where I am now.
I wish I can help all these people find a way out but all I can do is listen and give as much advice as I can and also give them avenues they can explore. It’s their choice if they stay or try to get help from professionals. There is help out there they just have to keep asking till the right person listens.
Good day to all our loyal readers. Today I’m writing about abused women and women that are insecure in relationships. There is always a way out. I myself was in a relationship like that when I was married but I found a way out.
Abused women always have to find a way out, like leaving a key at the door or always having a key nearby where it’s easy to escape in the event of an argument or she has been beaten.
Their lives are always in standby mode which is awful. They are always afraid of what the abuser is going to do next. She always has to defend herself, so being a mother will be very difficult as she has to protect them all.
I was pushed to the point where I sent my children away to my mother to protect the children from the violence.
The media motivates abused women to find a secure place or person who will be available when its time to escape. The abuser is unpredictable.
The abused woman never sees the good in any other man as she was never exposed to a good man but she will also not know what a good man is when she meets him as she always expects the worst. She is attracted to that kind of man because she is fooled by his Jeckyl and Hyde personalities.
Ladies are sometimes in relationships and expect the worst resulting that manifesting a bad situation and she loses a good man in the process.
Today’s women are successfully driven and find themselves not finding a good enough man that meets their criteria but she is missing the signs along the way. The good man is under her nose but her standards blind her judgement.
I’m not saying it’s only the ladies that are biased, men are also. If she doesn’t look like a model some men will not want her.
Men can also want a back door if they have an abusive wife or partner or even an abusive family member. It’s not always women that have an abusive situation.
What does the man do in the event of a situation? He might be the breadwinner of the house and not be able to just go out of the house, due to his sense of responsibility so he stays in that abusive situation.
We all have had or might be experiencing this situation but we must realise there is a way out and there is someone that cares.
We tend to stay in these situations in fear of what is waiting. Our minds are clouded with so much negativity that we don’t want to think there is sunshine after the rain.
On a parting note be grateful if you are an amazing partner. There are people out there in worse situations.
The first aspect of our behaviour in this post has to do with turning a blind eye which I derive mainly from an interesting book I read last week entitled: Wilful Blindness. Written by researcher and businesswoman Margaret Heffernan. The book was first published in 2011 and has been updated and reprinted several times.
The book is about how we tend to look away if a certain situation doesn’t feel right to us, is uncomfortable, disturbs our peace of mind, can be financially threatening, gets in the way of our ego etc. We just don’t like change, we prefer the situation as it is. Numerous examples are described in the book, based on carefully conducted scientific research, with all references at the back of the book.
The question remains whether our behaviour is naturally what it is or whether it is formed by the circumstances (nature versus nurture). There is no simple answer to that. I think both play a role. One child experiences its upbringing differently from a sibling while the circumstances are the same, because it is, for example, more sensitive. Identical twins can show completely different behaviour later in life, while the opposite also occurs. This is an introduction on my part. Some examples from the book:
We are always amazed that women go back to the men who abuse them. Whether the abuse is verbal, physical or sexual, the man promises to better himself and the woman believes him. Women who make that choice have low self-esteem (I don’t deserve better, perhaps an example of nature) or they saw their mother undergoing the same treatment (they don’t know any better, an example of nurture). They tell themselves that it is their fault, that they themselves must be a better wife to their husband, or that they cannot handle life on their own (especially for financial reasons). These women are often the victims of psychopaths, who are so manipulative that even psychologists are deceived. Both groups are therefore blind to reality and look away.
Child abuse, whether sexual or otherwise, is much more common than we think. That incest only occurs in lower-class families is a fairy tale, that mothers often look away, unfortunately not. Why is that? Out of fear of what they will get themselves into when they speak up. Head in the sand, then the problem does not exist. Especially because they want to keep the harmony (for themselves, not for the child). The consequences for the (behaviour of the) child are enormous.
Alice Stewart noticed in the 1950s that twice as many children born to women who had an x-ray during pregnancy developed cancer in a period of ten years. Before making this widely known, she did more research and kept coming to the same conclusion. She raised it with colleagues before publishing it in The Lancet in 1956. There was talk of the Nobel Prize for her. And then nothing at all happened. Why? It was indigestible for doctors that they had done something that turned out to be life-threatening to foetuses. X-rays were in vogue, because it was a relatively new technology and no one wanted to see the harm it could cause. People looked away. She was made fun of. It took many years for her findings to be recognised. (this is a very short summary of her story)
Albert Speer, after 1942 the second most powerful man in Germany, and Hitler got along very well. Speer was therefore completely blind to the monster that was Hitler. His life was spared at the Nuremberg trial because he freely admitted not seeing what Hitler had been doing. He later stated to his biographer that he had to spend the rest of his life coming to terms with what he had done because he had been blind.
You are in love and a good friend very carefully says something negative about your new love. You don’t hear it, you don’t see it, you are completely blind. You even push away that annoying little voice in the back of your head.
Other examples: MeToo; People who are initially critical of misconduct in their company, but then gradually go along with the flow, because everyone does it and you don’t want to be an outsider. The real whistleblowers, who don’t mind being ridiculed when they denounce wrongdoing at companies, institutions and governments, are being fired because they are contrarians and reveal things that the boss is looking away from, often because a lot of money is at stake. Madoff, Enron etc.
And so there are countless other examples in the book of which you think, how on earth is it possible? But look into the mirror. Is our own behaviour always flawless? Can we always resist the temptation to do something that we know is not actually right, but which we then know how to condone in an excellent way?
Look what happened when the sale of cigarettes was banned. The black market grew by the day. Everyone smoked as much as ever before or more, no one suddenly stopped smoking. If you intend to quit smoking, it isn’t going to happen because the sale is banned. I would almost say the opposite is true. I myself hadn’t smoked a cigarette for over a year, but I thought when the ban is lifted, I will light one or two or… Purely recalcitrant behaviour.
Forbidding something leads to excessive behaviour and has the opposite effect.
Alcohol insanely expensive in Sweden? Then we take the ferry back and forth and drink as much and as fast as we can, as soon as the boat is out of territorial waters. How so?
The ban on the sale of alcohol caused the same behaviour as with the cigarettes. You want more of it if you can’t have it freely and legally.
Forbidden fruits (illegal cigarettes and alcohol, drugs, an affair) simply taste much better. Why? Because of the excitement? The chance to get caught? Satisfaction of our ego? Look at me? Pure boredom? The need of something outside of ourself to get a fix?
Us humans are also resourceful. No alcohol for sale? Then we make it ourselves, right? With ginger and pineapple, for example. (this has increased the price of ginger by 300%, but this aside). Anything better than being without.
If there has ever been an interesting time to take a closer look at our behaviour, it is now. People who express different opinions are ridiculed, fired or slandered. Just like so many whistleblowers before them. Without giving the other person the opportunity to give his view on the matter and thus engage into a dialogue. We are quick to judge, but who are we to even have an opinion about someone else.
Good day to the readers. I’m hoping you are all well in these trying times we find ourselves in. The article i will be writing of today is about women and the different levels of society we find ourselves in.
We get the hard working woman who no matter her affluence still works for what she has. On the other hand we have the deserving narcissistic woman who thinks that the world needs to bow down to her as she need not work for anything. Everything I write about comes from actual case studies. I ,in no way want to offend anyone at all but I would like to celebrate the female and her ways she copes and uses her cunning and manipulative ways to get her where she needs to be.
My first story is on an affluent lady. From birth she had a silver spoon in her mouth. Had the rich parents. Molly coddled to the ends of the earth but the mother didn’t make her life easy as her dad doted on her and whatever she wanted she got. That came at a price though. Her dad was an alcoholic and so eventually she would be the one pouring he’s drinks at a young age and sometimes helping him to bed as her mother was not accomodating -because of the fathers affairs she really didn’t care as long as she had the high life -she was happy. The father was a famous attorney so they lived the life till the day he walked out on them but they still had financial stability. As the years went by the young woman became a ballerina -went to art school because her father had the means to provide her with the money for all her wants. That in a way made her feel deserving of only good things. She didn’t know what normal people lived like. They had maids. Butler. In her mind everyone lived like that. As she grew up, moved and a divorce later she became a dancing instructor by day and prostitute by night – alcohol had became a big part of her life. Where was her stature then? She had hinted a few times to me quite subtly that abuse from her father perhaps or other men had damaged her. Explaining the alcohol abuse. Prostitution? Only she will know why she did that.
She met her second husband at dance class. He didn’t come from money, he worked hard for what he had. At the time they met he hadn’t realised she was an alcoholic. She put on quite a show to catch him as at that time she was struggling. Her three children had been removed from her custody, so a rich man was her way out. They married and had three children of their own but her drinking escalated. Money didn’t buy happiness and didn’t keep her husband faithful. Same scenario as her mother except she was the alcoholic. Her father taught her well. On her 50th birthday her husband told her to leave as she was in and out of rehabillitation centres and he was looking after he’s sons with two maids in her presence and a driver for the children as she was drunk most of the time so she wasn’t needed. He still took care of her financially and sometimes she did her wifely duties even though he was with someone else. He eventually met someone that got him on the straight road to a normal relationship even though the two are still married as divorcing would cost both a great loss of money. She lives separately on their property to him and he’s current partner and has still got the princess mentality as I call it, hoping if she does what’s expected he will take her back as he has done many times before. She will suffer before she decides for herself that no money is worth the situation she is living in now. So to me she is suffering a form of abuse from him and he has suffered abuse from her when she couldn’t be a mother and wife. So both her father and the husband molly coddled her to the point that she did’nt know any better and still does’nt. She just accepts circumstances as long as money and stature are involved. She has no work experience except dancing as being privileged she never really needed to work, only when it was really necessary and that was a few years of dance classes. She now has some money of her own but tells her husband her name is on the marriage certificate so he will pay her even though they have been separated for twelve years.
Can’t we all just sit back and expect to be deserving – though we do nothing for it? My next story is of the hard working mother whether she is single or with someone. This woman knows nothing but work whether it be at home or physically going to work, from an executive to a prostitute. They can’t be judged. All they know is to survive and sometimes they still have the bad luck of either living with or seeing someone that is abusive to them. This woman sometimes has no choice in her mind. She takes the abuse for the childrens sake so they can have a roof over their heads. In the end it comes at a high price. The woman is damaged – needs therapy. The children grow up expecting the same from life but luckily some children break their mothers curse and live successful lives. The hard working woman feels there is no way out but there is if she would stop and think her plan through. Yes leaving an abusive situation might hurt her financially but in the end her and her children will start to heal when away from the bad situation.
Us woman must think who our elders were and what they had to go through to survive. We need to pick ourselves up and be strong. Yes sometimes it seems so hopeless but I’m a survivor of being raped by my husband and being told I can’t do anything as we are married. My situation damaged my children but we made it. Seventeen long years of abuse. rape, being beaten and mental abuse came to an end by my own courage. It was’nt easy after the divorce either as I really suffered mentally. I self mutilated, tried to hang myself and overdosed with my medicine more times than I can imagine but I made it. Fifteen years of therapy and still going strong. I even have the empathy in me to phone my ex husband sometimes and ask how he is doing as he’s health is not good. If I did’nt heal I would have wished him dead. I want to show my daughters there is life after abuse. I didn’t know what molly coddling was growing up or in a relationship so next time you ladies want to complain about not being able to do your nails or hair and that the maid didn’t come in today – think of that poor woman suffering just to get by mentally because of her situation. Lets stand together as women and be supportive no matter what your stature is. We all fight battles and with support we can overcome -then maybe these killings of women will come to an end too. Stand together and fight. If you set aside stature, race and ego we can do great things among us women.
The views expressed in my story aren’t aimed at a specific person it’s just things I hear and of course personal experience. Hopefully by reading this I’m helping someone find the courage to stand up and say ,”ENOUGH!”
It’s a subject very few people talk about. What I’m going to write about is based on experience from friends and family members and of my times as a carer. The way children treat their parents.
When I look at it I see that if children were brought up with a deserving mentality they as adults demand from the parent but little do they realise they have to work for what they want. A parent works for something their whole life and these deserving children want without any idea of what their parent went through to get what they have.
As a person gets older they want less drama and responsibility and in swoops this child that thinks they are going to grab the opportunity to control the parent and whatever else. A business for instance. They forget it took the parent years to get the business to success and they start telling the parent what the said parent needs. First of all the child changes everything, disregards the needs of the workers and demands respect all of a sudden. Then him and he’s wife try to control the father and he’s daily living withholding he’s own money from him. The father thought he’s doing a good thing by letting he’s son take over.
I grew up being taught that you work for what you want or you work for what you get. I taught my two daughters as many things as I could which my mum had taught me. It’s trivial what it is you are working for just do it as no one else should be doing it for you if you are able bodied.
Another case study is of a mother that gives her all to her children to the maximum and beyond. She is going through financial problems now and her glorified children two adults that don’t work tell her she’s not good enough she can’t even take care of them. Okay so they have both worked before, had children that my friend is taking care of because they say she’s not a good enough grandma. Okay so who made those grand-kids? The daughter calls her mother a whore and a useless parent and she wishes her mother aborted. That to me is mental abuse.
Then you get a mother who lives with her son and he tells her what to do daily. If he says no she just agrees. Is he hitting her or is it just the fact that she is elderly and has lost her fight. Like some children he has nothing. He sold her things for drugs and he’s sibling is also a drug addict. The mother molly coddles them yet her other son runs he’s departed fathers business. He has sober habits and good values. Where did it all go wrong?
As people get older their children want to dictate as I’m sure their only thought is if their parents have assets that they have to keep an eye on the parent in case they spend the money then they have nothing to inherit. Now on the flip side there are wonderful children out there. They take care of their parents. They give back what was given to them. Wish my mom were still alive. I’d die for her. So where does the problem lie? Is it the parents fault for molly coddling the children or is it the child who has a deserving mentality?
In conclusion my opinion is that we as parents must think before spoiling the children to the point that they becoming deserving human beings. We love our children but maybe by teaching them good moral values and work for what you want our future leaders just might be worth their weight in gold.
Be safe and be blessed.
From the Pen of ... 